Summary So Sad Today Personal Essays 107


10 thoughts on “So Sad Today Personal Essays

  1. says:

    This book started out with something that’s been on my mind for months now and I was so relieved to see someone else share the same belief “Bringing a child into the world without its consent seems unethical”While reading this book I discovered that there's simply no subject that Broder is afraid to write about and no shortage of readers who can relateSo sad today? Many are Melissa Broder is too How and why did she get to be so sad? And should she stay sad?She asks herself these uestions over and over here turning them into a darkly mesmerising and strangely uplifting reading experience through coruscating honesty and a total lack of self deceitFavorites uotes from the essays#1 “How to Never Be Enough” “An external attribution exists to make you feel shitty It’s a handy tool wherein you perceive anything positive that happens to you as a mistake subjective andor never a result of your own goodness Negative things alternately are the objective truth And they’re always your own fault”“There aren’t that many ways to find comfort in this world We must take it where we can get it even in the darkest most disgusting places Nobody asks to be born No one signs a form that says You have my permission to make me exist Babies are born because parents feel that they themselves are not enough So parents never condemn us for trying to fill our existential holes when we are but the fruit of your own vain attempts to fill yours It’s your fault we’re here to deal with the void in the first place”This essay stayed on my mind for days especially that first uote I shared So good#2 “Love in the Time of Chakras” “Staying drunk seemed like a very practical solution to me If you could drink yourself into happiness why would you stay sad and sober? And if you could drink yourself into ultra happiness why would you settle for regular happiness?”#3 “I Want to Be a Whole Person but Really Thin” “I am an eater who enjoys structured magic I don’t feel courageous enough to let myself eat whatever I want because I don’t want to face the wrath of what my mind will do to me after I have a vested interest in keeping things under control because when I lose my illusions of control I get very scared The world is scary enough as it is Just let me have this way of life Let me continue to live under these self imposed systems of diet ice cream where I can have some of what I enjoy about binge eating—just without my mind destroying me after”“I am an eater whose mind says noI am an eater who knows that ultimately you are responsible for yourself an eater who doesn’t want to take responsibility for herself other than to seek the feeling of safetyI am an eater who is scared to be so honest here a disordered eaterI am a superficial woman of depth”Sometimes you read something that just connects everything in your mind And this was it#4 “Help Me Not Be a Human Being” “We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together in my head a love story”“I still can’t believe that someone as hot as you has validation issues but I also know that being a very sensitive person on this planet is painful and some of us are built like sieves or have holes where any external validation just pours right through and we never get full and I also know it’s ultimately an inside job anyway and no amount of external validation will ever be enough though damn it can feel good in the moment and it sort of makes me mad at god actually like okay god you built me like this so teach me how to validate myself in a way that feels as good as when a boy does it or the Internet does it because there is always a cost when a boy does it or when the Internet does it a love story”#5 “Love Like You Are Trying to Fill an Insatiable Spiritual Hole with Another Person Who Will Suffocate in There” “What happens to the space that two people occupied together? How can it just disappear? Why can’t it just become something else?”This particular essay was so deeply personal and emotional I truly felt like I went through so much in such a short time And I loved it “When we think of our old lovers and the people they are with now we wonder what we did not have We wonder collectively as people what other people have A collective unconscious is formed a cloud and we laze around it and lie to each other We tell each other we are better than one another better than whoever he is with now We tell it to each other because we are well meaning people We tell it to each other in friendshipOur single friends say they are going to be alone for the rest of their lives and we tell them they are crazy We tell them they are definitely going to find someone But how do we know? We know nothing”#6 “Honk If There’s a Committee in Your Head Trying to Kill You” “The ocean gives me performance anxiety about being at peace The moon is definitely judging me Dogs know the truth Babies see through me Anything natural anything pure judging me”“There is a large part of me the committee that wants to see me dead If it can’t kill me it’ll settle for seeing me miserable It wants me spinning out on what I lack talking to myself I don’t know why these forces exist in me that want me to die I guess I’m just wired that way But it’s cool that there is this other part of me that must really want to live I don’t have scientific proof of its existence and I don’t need it I’m still alive So I know it’s there”#7 “I Took the Internet Addiction uiz and I Won” “The Internet has given me the dopamine attention amplification connection and escape I seek It has also distracted me disappointed me paralyzed me and catalyzed a false sense of self The Internet has enhanced my taste for isolation It has increased my solipsism and made me even incapable of coping with reality”“If people never become real it’s harder for them to disappoint you That’s why the Internet is good for sad people You can be with people without having to be with people”#8 “I Don’t Feel Bad About My Neck” “I feel bad about my deeper underlying reasons for judging people with children I judge them as a defense mechanism because I am sad about my motivations for not having kids I am self centered and dysmorphic with low self esteem I am scared I would give birth to my own childhood self hatred I am scared I would give birth with my head in the oven”“I feel bad about my struggle because it is nothing compared to other people’s struggles and yet it still hurts”#12 “Hello 911 I Can’t Stop Time” “I don’t want to be human I don’t want to age or die What I want is to be impervious to all of that And if I can’t defeat time and death then let me at least be impervious to what other people think of me I want to be beyond reproach Let me at least try”“But it’s a lot easier to rely on a tangible fix than it is to rely on a nebulous spirit a uiet voice deep inside yourself ”#13 “Google Hangout with My Higher Self” Higher self it seems like u r scared of containing multitudes tbhHigher self like why does it have to be all or nothing? why r u just str8 up good or str8 up evil? what if u r a v loveable douchebag? what if u r a heavenly asshole? what if u r a destructive beautiful person?Me idkMe am i allowed 2 be good and evil at the same time?Higher self look around bb that’s all there is#14 “The Terror in My Heart Says Hi” “I’m always scared that every feeling is going to be permanent”“I hope this shit has a happy ending”“Everyone thinks I’m going to be okay except me”#15 “Never Getting Over the Fantasy of You Is Going Okay” “I think it’s important to never stop believing in magic”#16 “Keep Your Friends Close but Your Anxiety Closer” “It’s probably good that I keep pushing myself to leave the house and maintain my social masks of competence engagement and comfort But what if I did tell people exactly what was going on? What if I valued my own peace of mind than what other people think of me? Would I end up jobless friendless and loveless? Would I vanish entirely?”“I think it’s okay to not be grateful for your curses I think it’s okay to just want your blessings to be blessings”#17 “I Told You Not to Get the Knish Thoughts on Open Marriage and Illness” “Does anyone really know who they are marrying? People change We do not know if the person we commit to will be the same person in ten years We do not know who he or she will become Will you be the same person in ten years in health body money interests mental health?”The feelings in this essay were so raw and immediate it stayed on my mind till the end#18 “Under the Anxiety Is Sadness but Who Would Go Under There” “For someone with anxiety dramatic situations are in a way comfortable than the mundane In dramatic situations the world rises to meet your anxiety When there are no dramatic situations available you turn the mundane into the dramatic”“I would say to myself You felt like you were dying yesterday But you didn’t die So even though you feel like you are dying today you probably won’t die But intellect couldn’t refute the panic attacks”“It seems weird to me that here we are alive not knowing why we are alive and just going about our business sort of ignoring that fact How are we all not looking at each other all the time just like Yo what the fuck?” Ultimately I think I completely fell in love with Melissa Broder's writing It's honest mesmerising and completely genuine I cannot believe it took me so long to pick this book up45 stars Note I'm an Affiliate If you're interested in buying So Sad Today just click on the image below to go through my link I'll make a small commission This review and can be found on my blog


  2. says:

    I want to have actual sex with this book I just love it so much Melissa Broder elevates vulnerability to another level she writes about her vomit fetish getting high off of people her anxiety and depression and This essay collection captures what I appreciate most about creative nonfiction through exposing her deepest and darkest doubts and dismays with unrelenting self absorption and style Broder highlights that it is okay to be human to be fucked up and to keep on living anywayIn the spirit of spilling secrets a couple of things that make me #sosadtoday1 I am completely and unhealthfully obsessed with a man I met on the internet This man has not messaged me back for a long time As a feminist I despise myself for wanting his attention2 My trauma has been awful this week I canceled two hours of work today so I could see my therapist Despite my decent list of achievements and my almost flawless work ethic this one instance of asking for help makes me want to vomitYou could call this self indulgent vain even self obsessed But I think we should obsess over ourselves sometimes We live in a world so bent on shaming people for pain which leads us to cope in unhealthful ways drugs unsafe sex etc The unfortunate truth that Melissa Broder reveals in So Sad Today we all experience pain Sometimes we experience pain because a catastrophe strikes because of a huge social injustice that makes us want to revolt Sometimes we experience pain because a guy doesn't text us back Both are valid Both are realOnce we recognize our pain and our sadness we can choose how to cope Broder does so through writing through her poetry and her Twitter account I intend to do the same to write with honesty and compassion Just like Broder does with so much blunt sophistication I want to throw my voice into the fray to prove that we are not alone in our pain


  3. says:

    I need to review this book so I can stop thinking about it Initially I thought the author was very young but the I read the I think she might be closer to my age Maybe I'm old a prude a stuffy New Englander but to me these essays do not reveal so much about what it is to live in this world right now Roxane Gay as printed on the cover I understand that we live in a world where everything is fair game for publication on social media I know the younger generation thinks nothing of posting things that previous generations would not have shared with their closest friends I also realize that this woman started processing her feelings by posting them in an anonymous Twitter account There is still such a thing as TMI This book of essays is a testament to how varied we are in our thinking of what is too much information to shareThere is a lot of graphic sexual language in this book that some may find crass or vulgar For example one essay includes five pages of sexting with a man she hadn't met This was over the top It didn't offend me but I wasn't interested in reading it either If anything I was a little awestruck that anyone a does this and b would write about it This leads me to a whole other world of thinking This woman claims to be self conscious and concerned about what other's think soreally? She is putting it ALL out there What can be left in her closet? She writes about a lot of gross people she has slept with having a vomit fetish eating her own bodily fluids having an open marriage sexting being addicted to the Internet and sending nudes I cannot relate I also started uestioning the authenticity though I doubt anyone would make up a vomit fetish Other thoughts I had while reading this Does she have parents? Isn't she worried they will read this? Is this really what everyone is doing? Am I that sheltered? If so I'm okay with itI have to say that the writing is good Some of the essays particularly the last are excellent She writes about addiction depression and anxiety with an openness I've not read before now There is a vulnerability to opening yourself up in this way and it is hard to not see that as brave regardless of how many times I read the word dick in this book I can't see myself recommending this but I would love to see what she does next I should add that I am basically alone on an island with my rating People love this book of essays I will be interested in hearing what my friends think 25 stars


  4. says:

    I guess everyone has their own line between ‘honesty’ and ‘oversharing’ Mine it turns out is where Melissa Broder goes into the details of her vomiting fetish It's nice to have that nailed down as a kind of reference pointI went through uite a journey with this book At first I really hated it I found it grotesuely narcissistic and melodramatic and I was baffled by the central role of social media in the author's life I imagined writing a very unkind review Though I sympathise with Broder's depression and anxiety I would say in the end my patience with affectless journal entries from overeducated overmedicated middle class American women has limits She tells us that she is ‘very pretty’ but also ‘self centered and dysmorphic with low self esteem’; she talks about how she has had eating disorders and addiction disorders and anxiety disorder and that maybe she could've got rid of the anxiety but further ‘there was depression underneath the anxiety’ Anxiety ception There is an essay inevitably about her antidepressant regime ‘I've been in therapy my whole life’ she says to the surprise of absolutely nobody ‘I can't imagine not being in therapy’I'm going to be totally honest here inspired by Melissa Broder's own appalling brand of honesty and admit that for the first half of this book my knee jerk inner monologue was along the lines of oh my fucking god WHO CARES you vapid neurotic bitch This is uite unlike me The essays made me think affectionately of Olivia Laing's The Lonely City another book about depression but one in which the author's feelings are refracted productively through art works and biographical sketches making it feel generous and outward looking Ironically I criticised that book at the time for focusing too much on the art and not enough on the self analysis I now realise how wrong I was because without that objective correlative all you have is self obsession – which can be uite touching and meaningful in a tweet but as a whole book it's overwhelmingAt first I put at least some of this down to generational differences but the the book went on the less convinced I was that she is actually any younger than me ‘How old is Melissa Broder anyway?’ I googled but Google didn't know or at least not well enough to give me an answer within the fifteen seconds I looked From internal analysis of the book she's gotta be in at least her late 30s – so all this social media obsession the ‘shitty dopamine party’ of online sexting the pornified fantasies the impatience with real people and real life – none of that has anything to do with the stereotypical feckless Millennial It's like that early middle age thing of trying to out Millennial Millennials a phenomenon I see uite a lot of which is why for example she sometimes writes in the kind of grating text speak that I'm sure no one has actually used since about 2004Higher self like why does it have to be all or nothing? why r u just str8 up good or str8 up evil? what if u r a v loveable douchebag? what if u r a heavenly asshole? what if u r a destructive beautiful person?Me idkI would euate her use of social media to her use of Botox – also discussed in one of these essays On some level it's all about being frightened of getting older which is no secret in itself since Broder's fear of death is a constant theme of the book Once this started to make sense to me I found my feelings about the book changing I started to feel protective? Sympathetic? I wanted to give Melissa Broder some herbal tea and make sure she gets an early night Her inability to see beyond her own concerns began to seem almost parodic For example reflecting on the end of one sexual relationship she wondersIs it that I am old? Is my skin a crocodile? Was it that I am already married? Perhaps it is that I am of the stars and he is of the earthUh wait – go back one? That you were already married? Yeah you know I think it might have been that oneAnd yet I loved that particular essay about the intensity of a relationship that starts with online flirting and swapping fantasies and about how hard it is to make real life live up to that when you finally meet She takes you through the highs and lows of these online to IRL flings very well And she makes a sustained effort to look hard at her own responses when it comes to libido sexual impulse and guilt and fantasy which I admired even though it leads to some pretty difficult places As for instance with the aforementioned emetophilia which she discusses in terrifying detailBurping to me is the most sexual element of vomiting because the sound is so primal In my fantasies the vomiters always burp a lot I freuent the burp fetish forums though I never leave a comment One girl on the forums says her ultimate fantasy is a guy burping into her vagina as he gives her head I'd have to agree that's a sexual idealLook I had to read it And although I found it hard to get through I did end up feeling grudging respect for the relentlessness of this self exposure After all essays about how people are anxious and depressed but working on it in therapy are ten a penny; an essay about wanking yourself into a stupor over vomitonlinecom that's something else Once you've gone with her there you are definitely a little changed whether you like it or not And this pays off in all kinds of ways when she wants to make a connectionPerhaps the most touching essay in here is the one not about herself but about her husband who suffers from an episodic undiagnosed ME like illness that leaves him bed bound for months at a time For a while they tried an open relationship see above and it's interesting to read the thoughts of someone who tried this for eleven years and then stopped not because their relationship failed but because they went back to monogamywith an open marriage I was consistently reminded that having sex with my husband having a husband was a choice As these men were separate from me so too was my husband I saw them each with new eyes and was reminded that I could see my husband each time with new eyesAlso when I knew that my husband was having sex with another woman I would get to envision him the way another woman might envision him I liked thinking about other women wanting him It made me want him Also he had to tell me all the details after This gave me a feeling of control My biggest fear was to be the wife in the dark I preferred to be the wingman the locker room buddyI really don't know how to sum this book up I didn't like it then I kind of admired it then I finished it then for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about it It's not really aimed at me but in a strange way it makes me much keen to read The Pisces because I think that a lot of the subjects Broder is dealing with are extremely potent and productive subjects for fiction They just need that sublimation; otherwise it's too much like reading a print out of someone's LiveJournal no matter how honest and well written and no matter how much I think after all that I rather like the person who wrote themShe also says that she doesn't like Tom Waits so that was a star off


  5. says:

    I love the way Melissa Broder writes There is something mesmerizing in the way she structures her sentences and her essays I read her debut novel The Pisces earlier this year and fell so much in love that I or less immediately went out and bought this one And I am so very glad I didMy favourite essay in this collection is I want to be a whole person but really thin it's repeating sentences and sentence structures hammered home a point so painful and real that all the other essays that followed could not uite keep up with Broder unflinchingly looks into her own eating disorder and the way it impacts her life and does so stylistically brillaintIn general So Sad Today is painfully honest in a lyrical way that made reading it a total joy while also giving me whiplash Melissa Broder does not shy away from the uglier parts of her life and her personality She centers herself in her art in that unapologetic way that I just adore


  6. says:

    Vain Self absorbed Vulgar Poetic Beautiful BraveI was supposed to read other things for work this weekend but I couldn't stop thinking about and then picking back up this little book of essays by Melissa Broder There is a raw power to her prose unmatched by anything I've read recently She will infuriate and disgust you in one sentence and then lift you gracefully into the sky in the next It's a virtuoso act of stunning confidence especially given that the book is about her crippling anxiety and depression The other recurring themes sex death Eastern mysticism obsession social media eating disorders sex death vomit addiction sex and death There's uite a bit of bodily fluids here and the accompanying blue language which sometimes borders on glib I mean look at some of these essay titlesHow to Never Be EnoughI Want to Be A Whole Person but Really ThinLove Like You Are Trying to Fill an Insatiable Spiritual Hole with Another Person Who Will Suffocate in ThereGoogle Hangout with My Higher SelfThere's liberal use of all of the synonyms of vagina I could imagine and some I couldn't So yeah She uses bad words A lot of people will be turned off by the crassness but those who see the mask and don't run will find an unbelievably honest unflinchingly brave existential portrait that has moments of genuine grace


  7. says:

    As she proved in her invigorating novel The Pisces Melissa Broder is nothing if not candid Her essay collection So Sad Today makes an interesting companion read especially due to a main criticism you'll often hear of The Pisces that Lucy the main character isn't 'likable' enough I hadn't known much about Melissa Broder's personal life before reading So Sad Today but I understandably came away from it with the strong impression that Broder modeled Lucy after herself; in which case can we extend the same complaint to this book and how much is likability tied to worth? Broder doesn't spare herself in these essays she can be selfish hypocritical vain needy and emotionally distant but I don't think she or anyone should have to sanitize themselves in an essay collection that focuses on the tension between being authentic to yourself and being accepted by othersAs for the writing style itself the essays that erred on the side of conversational were consistently my least favorites I have never enjoyed reading other people's text message exchanges and I wasn't about to start here But the literary essays I thought were incisive and piercing; make no mistake this isn't a scholarly academic exploration of the many many themes that she introduces loneliness sex mental illness addiction but instead it's a fiercely personal collection that will probably succeed in striking a chord with most readers at one point or another despite the fact that the details of Broder's life may be difficult to relate to For me it was the essay on depression and anxiety that hit the hardest with lines like this particularly resonating For someone with anxiety dramatic situations are in a way comfortable than the mundane In dramatic situations the world rises to meet your anxiety When there are no dramatic situations available you turn the mundane into the dramaticUltimately if you don't get on with crude vulgar writing you won't get on with this though I wouldn't suggest that it's only crude for the sake of being crude In both her novel and nonfiction Broder excels at exploring the uglier sides of human behavior and examining the underlying neuroses and insecurities that propel us to act in unsavory ways But I will say if you have emetophobia please for the love of god be smarter than I was and skip the essay about her vomit fetish


  8. says:

    Apparently I need to start a new shelf for ' fucking weird books' I had this weird intuition that if I could just make it to my Bat Mitzvah I could both prevent the Holocaust from happening again and also get all my friends back Strangely my intuition was right Long dramatic sigh Where do I start? At the part where I bought this book because I see it at The Strand everyday? Or the part where I fell asleep 70% of the way in?So Sad Today is book of short stories about Melissa's life WEIRD STORIES Like stories about vomit fetishes vaginal 'massages' by bald fifty year olds plus weird sex stuff I honestly didn't find anything that funny or interesting despite it all being so strange The writing also bored me to tears but that might be just a 'me' thing Confession I don't know what the hell I'm saying but this book just wasn't for me Yeah it talks about anxiety eating disorders etc but nothing felt relatable to me Babies are born because parents feel that they themselves are not enough So parents never condemn us for trying to fill our existential holes when we are but the fruit of your own vain attempts to fill yours I did find this uote relatable though lol


  9. says:

    When you have low self esteem to be embraced at your most vile is a marvelPS I embrace her She's crude and sex centric and self obsessed and admittedly often shallow and I fucking love her even at her most vile Marginally related the most intimate thing I ever heard was from this junkie punk couple at a party when I was in high school and way out of my depth the lady had the spins and was sprawled near a bush and the guy says Baby are you gonna spew? Because baby baby I'll hold your hair back for you She had a Chelsea cut as in shaved head but with two tiny blonde pieces in the front as in nothing to hold out of the way The fact that they were close enough that he could joke with her even at her most icky and vulnerable stuck to my ribs like barnacles She laughed so hard that she finally puked from it and then she felt a lot better and then later as I drifted off on the couch they slow danced to Mazzy Star in the dark surrounded by sleeping bodies and beercans and ash under Christmas lights That's kind of what this book is like if you let it


  10. says:

    This is a dazzling example of how to get DEEP into your personal muck while writing an essay in today's social media saturated world It's simply shocking at times how nakedly honest Broder is A couple of essays in particular Love Like You Are Trying to Fill an Insatiable Spiritual Hole I Told You Not to Get the Knish are almost painful to read for all their beauty truth and candor If you just flipped through the book and felt turned off by all the Twitter and text message mentions you'll be foolish to think this is some kind of light surface y foray into modern feels Those modern settings are just where Broder and her anxiety finds herself She communicates these modern sadnesses in today's world so beautifully and often with sharp humor If you join her there you might find yourself overwhelmed too


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So Sad Today Personal Essays

Free download ↠ eBook, PDF or Kindle ePUB å Melissa Broder

Arp as her humor Broder explores in prose that is both gutsy and beautiful aggressively collouial and achingly poetic uestions most of us are afraid to even acknowledge let alone answer in order to discover what it really means to be a person in this modern world. As she proved in her invigorating novel The Pisces Melissa Broder is nothing if not candid Her essay collection So Sad Today makes an interesting companion read especially due to a main criticism you'll often hear of The Pisces that Lucy the main character isn't 'likable' enough I hadn't known much about Melissa Broder's personal life before reading So Sad Today but I understandably came away from it with the strong impression that Broder modeled Lucy after herself; in which case can we extend the same complaint to this book and how much is likability tied to worth Broder doesn't spare herself in these essays she can be selfish hypocritical vain needy and emotionally distant but I don't think she or anyone should have to sanitize themselves in an essay collection that focuses on the tension between being authentic to yourself and being accepted by othersAs for the writing style itself the essays that erred on the side of conversational were consistently my least favorites I have never enjoyed reading other people's text message exchanges and I wasn't about to start here But the literary essays I thought were incisive and piercing; make no mistake this isn't a scholarly academic exploration of the many many themes that she introduces loneliness sex mental illness addiction but instead it's a fiercely personal collection that will probably succeed in striking a chord with most readers at one point or another despite the fact that the details of Broder's life may be difficult to relate to For me it was the essay on depression and anxiety that hit the hardest with lines like this particularly resonating For someone with anxiety dramatic situations are in a way comfortable than the mundane In dramatic situations the world rises to meet your anxiety When there are no dramatic situations available you turn the mundane into the dramaticUltimately if you don't get on with crude vulgar writing you won't get on with this though I wouldn't suggest that it's only crude for the sake of being crude In both her novel and nonfiction Broder excels at exploring the uglier sides of human behavior and examining the underlying neuroses and insecurities that propel us to act in unsavory ways But I will say if you have emetophobia please for the love of god be smarter than I was and skip the essay about her vomit fetish

characters So Sad Today Personal Essays

Melissa Broder always struggled with anxiety In the fall of 2012 she went through a harrowing cycle of panic attacks and dread that wouldn't abate for months So she began sosadtoday an anonymous Twitter feed that allowed her to express her darkest feelings and wh. This book started out with something that’s been on my mind for months now and I was so relieved to see someone else share the same belief “Bringing a child into the world without its consent seems unethical”While reading this book I discovered that there's simply no subject that Broder is afraid to write about and no shortage of readers who can relateSo sad today Many are Melissa Broder is too How and why did she get to be so sad And should she stay sadShe asks herself these uestions over and over here turning them into a darkly mesmerising and strangely uplifting reading experience through coruscating honesty and a total lack of self deceitFavorites uotes from the essays#1 “How to Never Be Enough” “An external attribution exists to make you feel shitty It’s a handy tool wherein you perceive anything positive that happens to you as a mistake subjective andor never a result of your own goodness Negative things alternately are the objective truth And they’re always your own fault”“There aren’t that many ways to find comfort in this world We must take it where we can get it even in the darkest most disgusting places Nobody asks to be born No one signs a form that says You have my permission to make me exist Babies are born because parents feel that they themselves are not enough So parents never condemn us for trying to fill our existential holes when we are but the fruit of your own vain attempts to fill yours It’s your fault we’re here to deal with the void in the first place”This essay stayed on my mind for days especially that first uote I shared So good#2 “Love in the Time of Chakras” “Staying drunk seemed like a very practical solution to me If you could drink yourself into happiness why would you stay sad and sober And if you could drink yourself into ultra happiness why would you settle for regular happiness”#3 “I Want to Be a Whole Person but Really Thin” “I am an eater who enjoys structured magic I don’t feel courageous enough to let myself eat whatever I want because I don’t want to face the wrath of what my mind will do to me after I have a vested interest in keeping things under control because when I lose my illusions of control I get very scared The world is scary enough as it is Just let me have this way of life Let me continue to live under these self imposed systems of diet ice cream where I can have some of what I enjoy about binge eating—just without my mind destroying me after”“I am an eater whose mind says noI am an eater who knows that ultimately you are responsible for yourself an eater who doesn’t want to take responsibility for herself other than to seek the feeling of safetyI am an eater who is scared to be so honest here a disordered eaterI am a superficial woman of depth”Sometimes you read something that just connects everything in your mind And this was it#4 “Help Me Not Be a Human Being” “We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together in my head a love story”“I still can’t believe that someone as hot as you has validation issues but I also know that being a very sensitive person on this planet is painful and some of us are built like sieves or have holes where any external validation just pours right through and we never get full and I also know it’s ultimately an inside job anyway and no amount of external validation will ever be enough though damn it can feel good in the moment and it sort of makes me mad at god actually like okay god you built me like this so teach me how to validate myself in a way that feels as good as when a boy does it or the Internet does it because there is always a cost when a boy does it or when the Internet does it a love story”#5 “Love Like You Are Trying to Fill an Insatiable Spiritual Hole with Another Person Who Will Suffocate in There” “What happens to the space that two people occupied together How can it just disappear Why can’t it just become something else”This particular essay was so deeply personal and emotional I truly felt like I went through so much in such a short time And I loved it “When we think of our old lovers and the people they are with now we wonder what we did not have We wonder collectively as people what other people have A collective unconscious is formed a cloud and we laze around it and lie to each other We tell each other we are better than one another better than whoever he is with now We tell it to each other because we are well meaning people We tell it to each other in friendshipOur single friends say they are going to be alone for the rest of their lives and we tell them they are crazy We tell them they are definitely going to find someone But how do we know We know nothing”#6 “Honk If There’s a Committee in Your Head Trying to Kill You” “The ocean gives me performance anxiety about being at peace The moon is definitely judging me Dogs know the truth Babies see through me Anything natural anything pure judging me”“There is a large part of me the committee that wants to see me dead If it can’t kill me it’ll settle for seeing me miserable It wants me spinning out on what I lack talking to myself I don’t know why these forces exist in me that want me to die I guess I’m just wired that way But it’s cool that there is this other part of me that must really want to live I don’t have scientific proof of its existence and I don’t need it I’m still alive So I know it’s there”#7 “I Took the Internet Addiction uiz and I Won” “The Internet has given me the dopamine attention amplification connection and escape I seek It has also distracted me disappointed me paralyzed me and catalyzed a false sense of self The Internet has enhanced my taste for isolation It has increased my solipsism and made me even incapable of coping with reality”“If people never become real it’s harder for them to disappoint you That’s why the Internet is good for sad people You can be with people without having to be with people”#8 “I Don’t Feel Bad About My Neck” “I feel bad about my deeper underlying reasons for judging people with children I judge them as a defense mechanism because I am sad about my motivations for not having kids I am self centered and dysmorphic with low self esteem I am scared I would give birth to my own childhood self hatred I am scared I would give birth with my head in the oven”“I feel bad about my struggle because it is nothing compared to other people’s struggles and yet it still hurts”#12 “Hello 911 I Can’t Stop Time” “I don’t want to be human I don’t want to age or die What I want is to be impervious to all of that And if I can’t defeat time and death then let me at least be impervious to what other people think of me I want to be beyond reproach Let me at least try”“But it’s a lot easier to rely on a tangible fix than it is to rely on a nebulous spirit a uiet voice deep inside yourself ”#13 “Google Hangout with My Higher Self” Higher self it seems like u r scared of containing multitudes tbhHigher self like why does it have to be all or nothing why r u just str8 up good or str8 up evil what if u r a v loveable douchebag what if u r a heavenly asshole what if u r a destructive beautiful personMe idkMe am i allowed 2 be good and evil at the same timeHigher self look around bb that’s all there is#14 “The Terror in My Heart Says Hi” “I’m always scared that every feeling is going to be permanent”“I hope this shit has a happy ending”“Everyone thinks I’m going to be okay except me”#15 “Never Getting Over the Fantasy of You Is Going Okay” “I think it’s important to never stop believing in magic”#16 “Keep Your Friends Close but Your Anxiety Closer” “It’s probably good that I keep pushing myself to leave the house and maintain my social masks of competence engagement and comfort But what if I did tell people exactly what was going on What if I valued my own peace of mind than what other people think of me Would I end up jobless friendless and loveless Would I vanish entirely”“I think it’s okay to not be grateful for your curses I think it’s okay to just want your blessings to be blessings”#17 “I Told You Not to Get the Knish Thoughts on Open Marriage and Illness” “Does anyone really know who they are marrying People change We do not know if the person we commit to will be the same person in ten years We do not know who he or she will become Will you be the same person in ten years in health body money interests mental health”The feelings in this essay were so raw and immediate it stayed on my mind till the end#18 “Under the Anxiety Is Sadness but Who Would Go Under There” “For someone with anxiety dramatic situations are in a way comfortable than the mundane In dramatic situations the world rises to meet your anxiety When there are no dramatic situations available you turn the mundane into the dramatic”“I would say to myself You felt like you were dying yesterday But you didn’t die So even though you feel like you are dying today you probably won’t die But intellect couldn’t refute the panic attacks”“It seems weird to me that here we are alive not knowing why we are alive and just going about our business sort of ignoring that fact How are we all not looking at each other all the time just like Yo what the fuck” Ultimately I think I completely fell in love with Melissa Broder's writing It's honest mesmerising and completely genuine I cannot believe it took me so long to pick this book up45 stars Note I'm an Affiliate If you're interested in buying So Sad Today just click on the image below to go through my link I'll make a small commission This review and can be found on my blog

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Ich uickly gained a dedicated following In So Sad Today Broder delves deeper into the existential themes she explores on Twitter grappling with sex death love low self esteem addiction and the drama of waiting for the universe to text you back With insights as sh. I guess everyone has their own line between ‘honesty’ and ‘oversharing’ Mine it turns out is where Melissa Broder goes into the details of her vomiting fetish It's nice to have that nailed down as a kind of reference pointI went through uite a journey with this book At first I really hated it I found it grotesuely narcissistic and melodramatic and I was baffled by the central role of social media in the author's life I imagined writing a very unkind review Though I sympathise with Broder's depression and anxiety I would say in the end my patience with affectless journal entries from overeducated overmedicated middle class American women has limits She tells us that she is ‘very pretty’ but also ‘self centered and dysmorphic with low self esteem’; she talks about how she has had eating disorders and addiction disorders and anxiety disorder and that maybe she could've got rid of the anxiety but further ‘there was depression underneath the anxiety’ Anxiety ception There is an essay inevitably about her antidepressant regime ‘I've been in therapy my whole life’ she says to the surprise of absolutely nobody ‘I can't imagine not being in therapy’I'm going to be totally honest here inspired by Melissa Broder's own appalling brand of honesty and admit that for the first half of this book my knee jerk inner monologue was along the lines of oh my fucking god WHO CARES you vapid neurotic bitch This is uite unlike me The essays made me think affectionately of Olivia Laing's The Lonely City another book about depression but one in which the author's feelings are refracted productively through art works and biographical sketches making it feel generous and outward looking Ironically I criticised that book at the time for focusing too much on the art and not enough on the self analysis I now realise how wrong I was because without that objective correlative all you have is self obsession – which can be uite touching and meaningful in a tweet but as a whole book it's overwhelmingAt first I put at least some of this down to generational differences but the the book went on the less convinced I was that she is actually any younger than me ‘How old is Melissa Broder anyway’ I googled but Google didn't know or at least not well enough to give me an answer within the fifteen seconds I looked From internal analysis of the book she's gotta be in at least her late 30s – so all this social media obsession the ‘shitty dopamine party’ of online sexting the pornified fantasies the impatience with real people and real life – none of that has anything to do with the stereotypical feckless Millennial It's like that early middle age thing of trying to out Millennial Millennials a phenomenon I see uite a lot of which is why for example she sometimes writes in the kind of grating text speak that I'm sure no one has actually used since about 2004Higher self like why does it have to be all or nothing why r u just str8 up good or str8 up evil what if u r a v loveable douchebag what if u r a heavenly asshole what if u r a destructive beautiful personMe idkI would euate her use of social media to her use of Botox – also discussed in one of these essays On some level it's all about being frightened of getting older which is no secret in itself since Broder's fear of death is a constant theme of the book Once this started to make sense to me I found my feelings about the book changing I started to feel protective Sympathetic I wanted to give Melissa Broder some herbal tea and make sure she gets an early night Her inability to see beyond her own concerns began to seem almost parodic For example reflecting on the end of one sexual relationship she wondersIs it that I am old Is my skin a crocodile Was it that I am already married Perhaps it is that I am of the stars and he is of the earthUh wait – go back one That you were already married Yeah you know I think it might have been that oneAnd yet I loved that particular essay about the intensity of a relationship that starts with online flirting and swapping fantasies and about how hard it is to make real life live up to that when you finally meet She takes you through the highs and lows of these online to IRL flings very well And she makes a sustained effort to look hard at her own responses when it comes to libido sexual impulse and guilt and fantasy which I admired even though it leads to some pretty difficult places As for instance with the aforementioned emetophilia which she discusses in terrifying detailBurping to me is the most sexual element of vomiting because the sound is so primal In my fantasies the vomiters always burp a lot I freuent the burp fetish forums though I never leave a comment One girl on the forums says her ultimate fantasy is a guy burping into her vagina as he gives her head I'd have to agree that's a sexual idealLook I had to read it And although I found it hard to get through I did end up feeling grudging respect for the relentlessness of this self exposure After all essays about how people are anxious and depressed but working on it in therapy are ten a penny; an essay about wanking yourself into a stupor over vomitonlinecom that's something else Once you've gone with her there you are definitely a little changed whether you like it or not And this pays off in all kinds of ways when she wants to make a connectionPerhaps the most touching essay in here is the one not about herself but about her husband who suffers from an episodic undiagnosed ME like illness that leaves him bed bound for months at a time For a while they tried an open relationship see above and it's interesting to read the thoughts of someone who tried this for eleven years and then stopped not because their relationship failed but because they went back to monogamywith an open marriage I was consistently reminded that having sex with my husband having a husband was a choice As these men were separate from me so too was my husband I saw them each with new eyes and was reminded that I could see my husband each time with new eyesAlso when I knew that my husband was having sex with another woman I would get to envision him the way another woman might envision him I liked thinking about other women wanting him It made me want him Also he had to tell me all the details after This gave me a feeling of control My biggest fear was to be the wife in the dark I preferred to be the wingman the locker room buddyI really don't know how to sum this book up I didn't like it then I kind of admired it then I finished it then for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about it It's not really aimed at me but in a strange way it makes me much keen to read The Pisces because I think that a lot of the subjects Broder is dealing with are extremely potent and productive subjects for fiction They just need that sublimation; otherwise it's too much like reading a print out of someone's LiveJournal no matter how honest and well written and no matter how much I think after all that I rather like the person who wrote themShe also says that she doesn't like Tom Waits so that was a star off

  • Paperback
  • 203
  • So Sad Today Personal Essays
  • Melissa Broder
  • English
  • 23 November 2019
  • 9781455562725

About the Author: Melissa Broder

Melissa Broder is the author of the novel THE PISCES the essay collection SO SAD TODAY and four poetry collections including LAST SEXT Her next novel MILK FED will be published by Scribner on Feb 2 2021